Below is part of an email I sent to my "Winter Friends"(spiritual sisters that have been with me on this rocky journey for a dozen years) and it describes where I am TODAY in my spiritual beliefs. I emphasize today because I have gone from innocent five year old believer with the "faith of a child" to a door-knocking-witnessing Baptist to a free spirited occassionally pew warmer twenty-something to a fundamentalist, homeschooling Mom and "submissive" wanna-be wife to a mid-life seeker of all things spiritual. Today, at 49 years and 8 months, this is where I find myself. Amazing, scarey, exciting journey that I'm on. I have only shared it with a few people and only a very few people know of this blog... so it's not like I'm announcing these things to the world. Since you happened to stumble upon my little corner of the world-- call it serendipity and read on. Ok, the email:
"Now, I'm going to let it all hang out. I am not sure where I am on my thoughts about God and the soul and everything, really. Let's just say I am questioning it all. It's not that I want to do this...it's just happening...and I can't go back. I told Jana I feel like a "lost" soul-whatever that is. I think I would most likely qualify-today-as an agnostic and that's a fairly "lost" place to be. Definition of agnostic:
1 : a person who holds the view that any ultimate reality (as God) is unknown and probably unknowable
A thought popped out the other day when thinking/talking about whether I am a "christian". No, I'm not in the traditional sense of the word but yes, I do follow many of the teachings of Christ. As of today(I know this is subject to change and I hope it will change), I think God can best be defined/described as the place where most of the religions intersect. The good teachings that the major religions have in common (and if we can go back farther and look at the ancient religions-goddess, Egyption, Celtic, myth type religions too)we might most accurately find reflections of "God". I don't think "God"-if there is one-is the HEbrew God. I don't think Jesus was truly God's son-as in born of a virgin-but He was one that intuitively understood what was behind the scriptures...he was able to parse out the man-made stuff/interpretations and get to the essence. I'm thinking maybe Buddha and other great teachers were similar to Jesus in this ability. Man oh man, I never thought I'd be in this place!! yikes!! All my foundations seem to have crumbled and dissappeared. I keep praying "God, if I've gone off track, please bring me back". And that's another thing-prayer! When was the last time you had an answered prayer? I don't think I ever really have. There have been coincidences perhaps or my efforts after praying have brought about results...but nothing miraculous, ever. I have prayed for some sins/weaknesses to be taken away for years, for people to be healed, good stuff mind you and nada, no answers. I am tired of the response God answers "yes, no, maybe". I think that is just rationalization to make ourselves feel better...to keep believing that GOd is answering our prayers. God has not made himself/herself knowable by answering prayers, imo. When was the last time you moved mountains? These aer the questions that I have stuffed in the mystery box and NOT let out until this 49th year-this year of preparation for my year of jubilee--the big 50!! Little did I know what was going to happen this year!! Once I allowed myself to ask the questions, to honestly sit with the questions and to be ok with the answers not lining up with the past answers/understandings/teachings---man "all hell broke loose" as they say. Or maybe this is "you-know-who's" curse coming true! Remember how he said, a couple of months ago, that bad stuff was going to happen to me now that I was considering goddess stuff and new age stuff.
Lest you and I get despressed with my lack of spiritual clarity, I do still consider myself spiritual and believe there is a spiritual side to us. I do still LOVE seeking all things spiritual but I'm really confused about what I KNOW and what there is to seek. I feel like I have very little assurance about anything anymore. Kind of like I'm blind and groping in the dark-hoping to find something to hold on to. I am at a place of feeling like a blank slate...waiting for something to be written.
Thanks for being my winter friends....
"So I went out after breakfast to set up the birds' buffet. For a timewe shall have both the winter birds that companioned us during the longcold, and the migratory ones coming from strange southern lands. Theair is filled with the excitment of wings. However, much as I welcomethe wanderers, I love most the chickadees, nuthatches and woodpeckers,for they have shared the bitter season with us, and never a blizzard toofierce for them to chatter away at the window feeder. I suspect wealways love best those who share the hard things with us. Spring andSummer friends are delightful, but give me WINTER FRIENDS for mydearest."
From Stillmeadow Sampler
Love you all,
Susan
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Susan:
I've been reading and pondering this post for several days, and I think that you're going through a phase in your life (a phase, sadly, that doesn't have a definite beginning or end) that many, many people have gone through. One thing in particular, though, I wanted to touch on:
"I am tired of the response God answers "yes, no, maybe". I think that is just rationalization to make ourselves feel better...to keep believing that GOd is answering our prayers. God has not made himself/herself knowable by answering prayers, imo. When was the last time you moved mountains?"
To me, the answering of prayers isn't something that is a firm yes/no/maybe that we can see. In fact, I think that many times prayers are answered at a time and in a way that we're either not expecting or not even looking for. Lots of folks wonder why the prayers that move mountains aren't answered -- maybe they are; perhaps, though, the mountain is not being moved all at once, but one pebble or one clump of soil at a time.
Looking at the cumulative results of prayer I think are similar to the advice given to a writer once who was looking to write the one big story of his life. He was told that, rather than looking for the one big story, write the little stories along the way -- at the end, you'll find that the little stories MAKE UP the big story.
Same with prayer -- the big answer you're looking for may be the result of several small answers you get along the way.
- Matt
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